


when your fears subside and shadows still remain

by montecarlos



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Anniversary, Canon Compliant, Deleted Scenes, M/M, Meta, Pining, Pre-reunion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 04:16:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13779489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/montecarlos/pseuds/montecarlos
Summary: "I might have come here myself last night for five minutes,"Aaron revisits the garage on his wedding anniversary.





	when your fears subside and shadows still remain

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this all in one sitting because my brain just would not let it slide. It's not a happy fic by any means - but I really wanted to fill in the gaps of the storyline and the thought of Aaron secretly going to the garage the night of their anniversary just really resonated with me and gave me an opportunity to dig deeper into his mind. There's no reunion here sadly, I wrote it as though it could be placed into the canon. Title from November Rain by Guns N' Roses.
> 
> Just a slight warning of a line that alludes to Aaron's self harm.  
> Enjoy! :)

“Do you know what day it is?” Robert asks and Aaron swears he could see the tiniest glimmer of hope in Robert’s eyes - the same glimmer he’d seen when he leaned in on Valentine’s Day. Aaron feels the thump of his heart against his ribcage. Of course, he knows what day it is - how could he not? His phone had pinged this morning with a reminder, something that he’d set up months ago and never got rid of.    
  
_ Your anniversary is today.  _ His screen had declared. Aaron had stared at the words for a minute or two, feeling the tears prick in his eyes, before he’d heard Liv banging about in the bathroom and hurriedly scrubbed his face.    
  
“It’s Wednesday,” He tries the nonchalant approach, the slight shrug of his shoulders doing nothing to alleviate the tension running through his body.    
  
“It’s the 21st,” Robert continues, the same soft expression in his eyes. “It’s our anniversary,”   
  
“Yeah, I know,” Aaron doesn’t mean for his tone to sound defensive, but Robert knows him too well. He’s scared that Robert will take one look at him and know exactly what he’s thinking, see every part of Aaron laid out before him. “I hadn’t forgotten,” The truth slips from his lips before he can stop it. He glances at his ex-husband - the term still stings, even now - “We’re not together anymore so it doesn’t matter, does it?”    
  
But it does matter. He still matters - no matter how much Aaron fights it. He wants to tell Robert that he remembers it, remembers what they had, what they used to be. But he can’t. He fumbles out an excuse as Liv stalks past Robert wordlessly. His heart still hammers against his chest as he walks away, feeling the heat of Robert’s gaze on his back.    
  


* * *

  
Alex turns up later that day with his belongings - a small bag and a set of golf clubs. Aaron tells himself that this is the right thing to do, that this is what he needs to heal. Maybe with Alex around more, he can forget about Robert, about the life he wanted. He jokes with Alex about the golf clubs - trying to ignore the feeling in his chest about how different they are, about how different he is to Robert. It feels wrong in a way - he’s allowing his boyfriend to move into the house that was supposed to be his and Robert’s, the house that Robert had built up, the house that was supposed to be a home for them and Liv - on his wedding anniversary. But it was out of necessity he tells himself, they’re not moving in to take things to the next level, he’s doing it to help Alex out.    
  
That’s what he tells himself.    
  
They cook dinner together and Aaron tries not to think about Valentine’s Day, about Robert standing in the kitchen where Alex is right now, shirt sleeves rolled up, looking like he belonged there, like he’d never left. He remembers their easy conversation, their light banter together and the smile that brushed against his lips as Robert’s hands had slowly worked the pasta dough through the machine. The conversation with Alex isn’t the same. It’s pleasant enough - but he can’t help but think about how his smile feels forced at times, the conversation stilted. He finds himself rubbing at his bare finger - the mark left by his ring is long gone, but the scars still remain. He can’t forget it, he can’t push away the guilt at the thought of being with another man on his wedding anniversary. He wonders what they would have done - something low-key, a quiet dinner, just him, Robert and Liv- Robert would probably cook, Liv would stand next to him and they’d throw insults back and forth, before they’d retire to bed and he and Robert would curl up in their bed, lips gliding over one another -    
  
Alex curls up next to Aaron in their bed, snoring softly. Aaron sighs heavily, glancing down at his phone, at the calendar on the screen.    
  
_ Your anniversary.  _ __  
__  
He worries his lip as he glances back at Alex. Maybe he just needs a walk, to clear his head, to push away the thoughts of Robert that still linger like old ghosts. He slips out of the duvet and quietly pads downstairs to grab his coat and shove on his old trainers.    
  


* * *

  
The air is cold, almost biting against his skin. He tries to catch his breath, shoving his hands into his pockets as he slowly walks up the driveway and takes a glance back at the Mill, at his home - his home now with Alex. It still doesn’t feel real, he doesn’t want it to - wants to pretend that Alex is just staying over, that he’s helping his boyfriend out in difficult times. It doesn’t feel final.    
  
Robert placing that ring on his finger a year ago had felt final. It had felt like forever.    
  
He blinks back tears that he didn’t even know were falling and stares up at the darkened garage - the garage that became theirs, became the place where they fell in love, where it all began. His feet carry him to the door and as his hand brushes against the old wood, he’s hit with a memory.    
  
_ “Remind me why I’m marrying you and your massive ego again?” _ __  
__  
_ Robert beams at him. “How long have you got?” _ __  
__  
_ “Get in there before I change my mind,” _   
  
Aaron pushes the door open. It creaks in the silent air. He takes a deep breath before he climbs inside. Nothing has changed much since the last time he was here - there’s a few more tyres, another poster of a bikini-clad model on the wall from one of Dan’s magazines. But it still is how Aaron remembers it. He glances around as his ragged breaths spiral out in white tendrils around him. He can feel the tears running down his cheeks as he slides down the wall, back against the giant red toolbox, his eyes on the tyres opposite, the tyres where he and Robert had pledged their lives to one another. They had been so happy, they had been everything to one another then. Another memory forces itself forward.   
  
_ “I, Robert Jacob Sugden take you Aaron Dingle to be my lawful wedded husband-” _ __  
__  
_ “To put you first-” _   
  
Aaron wipes away the tears hurriedly.    
  
_ “I never had this with anyone before- I never thought I’d have this with anyone,” _ __  
__  
_ “And I never thought I’d have it with you,” _ __  
  
It still hurts, still cuts him deeper than any blade - even now. It hurt to lose Robert, to have the man he loved - the man he still loves - betray him like that. He remembers the tears on Robert’s cheeks as his heart lay in shattered pieces on the floor. He remembers pulling the ring from his finger and holding it out in shaking fingers. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. They weren’t supposed to break apart, like the glass in their wedding photo, shards cutting through smiles that were captured forever in a moment.    
  
Aaron remembers the smiles, Robert’s ringed finger curling around a dirty welly, their wedding night, remembers Robert’s lips on his own, holding onto him like he never wanted to let go - tears in the corners of his eyes as he’d gripped Aaron’s shoulders. Aaron had never wanted it to end, never wanted to walk away from Robert. But he had to, he had to curl up in his bunk at prison with scratchy sheets and meet Robert only in his dreams.    
  
He realises he’s stroking his finger, fingertips trying to play with the ring that isn’t there anymore. Tears still fall down his cheeks as he takes a ragged breath, his teeth catching on his lip. It hurt to pretend that today didn’t mean anything, that Robert didn’t mean anything - because he did.    
  
He meant the world.    
  
Aaron wipes a hand over his eyes as he stumbles to his feet, eyes surveying the garage once more, memories of the year before filling his mind, of Robert’s smile, of  __ you know, I know and he leaves the garage with a heavy heart and tear filled cheeks.    
  
It wasn’t just any day, it was the day that he’d given his heart away. And even now, still, he hadn’t managed to snatch it back. He stares at the darkened windows of Keeper’s Cottage and wonders, wonders if he’ll ever think of the 21st February as any other day, if he’ll ever not think of Robert.    
  
The doubt tugs inside his chest as he walks back to the Mill, tears still fresh on his face.    


**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on tumblr, i don't bite! - lucasdigrassis


End file.
